Homeschoolers Anonymous

I am going to out myself right now:

My name is Melissa and I am a Bob Jones University Press homeschooling mom.

Feel free to judge- I certainly did. Most of your presumptions are probably predictable:

Yes, the teachers are all Michelle Duggar clones.

Yes, the only student pronoun ever used is masculine.

And yes, they might withdraw our enrollment if they knew Eowyn has mastered the Cupid Shuffle.
(Click here if you haven't been to a wedding recently)

Let's be honest- I have never been bashful about my conservative leanings (comingled with a healthy respect for wineries and discotheques). My kids will be the Bob Jones anomaly with a keen handle on Intelligent Design, the Protestant catechism, and the floral "notes" in a good Pinot Gris. At least, they'll never be able to credit Heather has Two Mommies as part of their literary development.

Yesterday was the first day of First Grade for Eowyn. Pomp and circumstance was in order since all last year -whenever quizzed about her education- Eowyn invariably responded "I don't go to school" with the sobriety of a Child of the Corn. Since I am certain the inquirer was envisioning snake handling services in our living room, I quickly interjected -my voice three octaves too high: "She is an enrolled in kindergarten via a homeschooling curriculum. It's accredited. She can count to 100. We don't own snakes. We don't even like snakes. Tell the nice lady, Eowyn!"

So to commemorate this educational benchmark, we started off the day with the indulgence of sprinkled donuts. You should know that Hawaiian donuts are sub-par and not worth the calories- however, the unrefined palates of children discern only sugar, pizza, chicken nuggets and vegetables.

Then, we further "celebrated" with Eowyn's annual physical which featured a surprise ending curried on a silver tray by the Cruella Deville of nurses. Four hypodermic syringes glistened in the fluorescent lighting and for the next 45 minutes, Eowyn screamed like her limbs were being amputated sans anesthesia. Happy first day of first grade!!

So moved by her sorrow, I simply did what most parents would do- I offered her the moon, a pony, a dinner at the Four Seasons.... Yet, her whimpered request was for a humble Subway hoagie. (She clearly has inherited my low-maintenance nature. *Kidding*)  Yogurtland with Uncle Andrew was the final cherry on top of this inaugural academic day- to which Eowyn declared, "This is the best day ever!"  Bar none.

So tomorrow begins another day of right-wing indoctrination by Christian curricula in our family room. . .which later transforms to a dance floor. Frankly, I don't know who has more to fear by this schooling at home- Bob Jones or the left-wing establishment.

**If you are left wanting and need a more apologetic defense of why we elected to subscribe to BJU Press, indicate in your comments.

*** And if you are exploring homeschooling, here is a helpful comparative website.