When in Rome

When in Rome you must...

9. Eat *molto* Gelato

This should be obvious. However *sigh* too many Americans swagger into Rome with their clean-eating,  Paleo, Advo-care, Vitamix baggage. Leave. it. at. home. Instead, bring your fat pants and your will to live. And feast. Gelateria La Romana is Heaven in your mouth. Each otherworldly cone finishes with a melty-Nutella chaser.  The experience is transcendent. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

Exhibit A: How to keep your kids happy in crumbling capellas 

8. Vatican it Up

Of course. Even if you're not a papal fanatic, the Vatican Museum is non-negotiable. After endless labyrinths of stunning frescoed ceilings guarded by marbled aristocracy in the nude, your pilgrimage is rewarded with Michelangelo's little known side-gig, the Sistine Chapel. So much lumbar straining and neck craning!  The real feat is how to convey the import of such overwhelming artistry to my underwhelmed kids. They were like, "Oh, okay. Why is everyone naked? Never mind. Can I have snack now?" Which of course, prompts the vigilante guards to whisper scream, Silenzio!! It was all very Da Vinci code but without any of the classiness.

Ceilings for days

Nudity for days

7. St. Peter's Basila-What?!

A can't miss. Duh. I am as WASPy as they come, but skipping St. Peter's Basilica while visiting Rome would be like refusing dinner with Al Pacino just because you don't like The Godfather. Dumb. And it was everything it was reputed to be: super old, obscenely ornate and crazy crowded. Nero's Playground and the Apostle Peter's crucifixion site certainly don't disappoint in their officious grandeur. But after a frosty, interminable wait to pass security, our elementary entourage was as interested in the Apostle Peter's buried bones as I am in hearing Bernie Sanders' rhetoric. Not so much.  Fortunately, lollipops absolve a multitude of (boring) ancient relics. 

Exhibit B: The story of my life with Colson

The real entertainment at St. Peter's

6. Fontana di Trevi

Trevi Fountain for you mono-lingual readers. (Which is pretty much me without my BFF, Google Translate).  Legend hails the (unnaturally-hued) aqua waters as the font of realized dreams.  Pretty clever on the part of the city supervisors who collect a tidy sum from all the coin-tossing tourists with a wish and a prayer.  So, you're welcome Rome. I wish my kids wished less. This girl nearly gone fountain-broke.

Easter colors everywhere

We just dumped our college savings in this fountain. Cheers! 

5. Sprint up the Spanish Steps

A two-fer: Pre-dinner quad workout complete with capital views. Grant it- Colson was nearly in cardiac arrest when we reached the top but the ancient ascent was worth his near collapse. I assure you.  (Plus, let's be honest- my little Jim Belushi could use some extra cardio).

Pre-gaming photo shoot

4. Stumble through the Roman Forum

For the homeschooling win. The archaic origins of Rome's Republic are now a sprawling, crumbling, architectural graveyard. But, it is historic. And that is what is important here. Dating back to the 8 century B.C., the infamous forum boasted Senate elections, Marc Antony's funeral oration for Caesar and a sundry pagan temples.  Imperial Rome was killing it. (often- literally).   Yet, without the omniscient Rick Steves at my fingertips, I wouldn't know if I was stumbling over a rock or the remains of Cicero's podium.  Which of course, changes everything. Everything.

Ancient ruins for days

THE prison were Paul and Silas sang their way to freedom. #Mamertine

3. See the Colosseum

Obviously. If you love Russell Crowe but hate Christian martyrdom, the Colosseum demands your homage. When in Rome, you must. The iconic amphitheater of gladiator fame looms menacingly like a wizened warrior - a terrible tribute to tyranny.  But more importantly,  it is the perfect cover photo for your Facebook page- proving you are well traveled with historical sophistication. Bravo!  Lions and tigers and Nero.  Don't leave Rome without your face in a photo there!

Below the arena floor- features the chambers from which gladiators would ascend- clever

You can never have too many photos in this epic amphitheater

Family time at the bloodiest amphitheater in history

Cage fighters kept here

those cheeks: impossible to resist

 Jamie actually wore a skirt to climb through the colosseum (mad fashion props)

This was their favorite spot to visit. I think we had them at "no paintings to see here!" 

Double chin for the win

the crew

2. Stand under the Arch of Constantine.

Because all of the western world stands under his influence. (Do you see how I did that?)  History  credits the fourth century Emperor as the catalyst for the conversion of Rome to Christianity.  The gracious despot compelled everyone to convert. Paganism banned. Course of history altered.  Done and done. Say what you will- But, I am a big fan of Christmas and Cadbury Eggs. So, thank you Constantine.

Armed guards seem to still capture the spirit of the colosseum

*DRUMROLL*

Last but certainly not least: 

1. Get your wallet stolen in the Vatican McDonalds.

Everyone said to avoid this. But, apparently, you cannot enjoy a complete, genuine Roman holiday without being robbed of all forms of identification,  proof of insurance and plenty of cash.  So, I did it. The adrenaline rush and hyperventilation was definitely memory-making, even unforgettable. But, as they say,  when in Rome...

I don't always go to McDonalds, but when I do, I wear a salmon-colored bridesmaid gown.