Colmar, France

If you’ve ever watched Beauty and the Beast and thought: “Gosh. I’d love to live in that charming French town!” 

Well, move to Colmar. 

Problem solved. 

We went. I can confirm.  The tale as old as time comes to life on the twisting, cobbled avenues of this centuries-old, storied village. 

You can practically envision Gaston bursting through a brassiere door. 

Gaston. Sigh. I just referenced Gaston at 43. Having kids has ruined me for polite society.  

Recently, I asked our elderly neighbors if they’d named their Schnauzer “Peppa” after Peppa Pig. They looked at me like I’d lost my mind. 

Apparently, not all senior citizens are fans of the British children’s show. 

Back to Colmar. 

I’m just going to say it: The French do everything better. 

Food. Fashion. Wine. 

Okay, not wars. Or cars. Or anything practical. But, all the luxuries. They are superior. 

And they know it. 

Even their language is mesmerizing.                                                                                                                       Even their English with a French accent is sexy. 

Gah. Maddening. 

Like, okay, we get it. Your arrogance is justified. 

It’s true. I’ve never seen a more lovely boulanger in my life. 

Your chocolate éclairs are divine. Your croissants- the food of the gods. 

Your charming half-timbered homes lining Petite Venise, magnifique! 

And you, 70 year-old French woman. I see you in your effortlessly chic couture with a cigarette and glass of Alsace Crémant looking for all the world like a Parisian model. 

Un.Fair. 

I’ll just remain over here looking like a tired mom and remind you of  (1) Normandy and (2) sweaty Gerard Depardieu. 

The only two reasons I feel a bit smug at the moment. 

Now. Colmar is also where you should visit if you love the Statue of Liberté. 

Before we outsourced everything to China, we actually tasked France with crafting one of the iconic symbols of our free nation.                    

Makes sense. They came in clutch during our Revolution. 

Colmar’s famed sculptor,  Frederic Augusta Bartholdi was the illustrious artist behind the State of Liberty. 

I didn’t know this until I forced everyone to take a completely candid photo in front of his home-turned- museum. 

Finally. The 16th century Pfister House was apparently a Colmar “can’t miss.” So naturally, we did not.

Gaudy and pretentious -as far as Renaissance real estate goes - this half-timbered villa features octagonal turrets and a painted facade to flaunt their affluence to their neighbors. 

That doesn’t sound like something the French would do at all. *laughs quietly* 

We ended the day as all days should end: With gelato for the children and Alsace Crémant for the adults. 

And we all lived happily ever after (for the next 17 minutes). 

Pfister House