Hawaii Four-O Audition

Marketing ourselves as attractive tenants to condescending realtors with posh names like “Sylvia” has distinguished our days in paradise.  Ludicrously, we presumed that an ingratiating agent who drove a luxury vehicle and was attired in Brooks Brothers “Collegiate Collection” and effused empathy like Dr. Phil would gallantly escort us to appointed showings, contoured to our precise preferences.   We could not have been more wrong:  

Apparently, since property in Oahu is at an unparalleled premium, you must perform like a circus monkey in the hopes of impressing your perspective proprietor. In sum, you, the “consumer,” audition for the leasing privilege.

Further, there is no systemized method for procuring showings. Rather, the prospective tenant, suffering from jet lag, must scour Craigslist, like a nomadic scavenger and then –quite literally- beg the keeper of the home (realtor) to grant admission, at their leisure and convenience, of course.  And so, each morning, we piled into our seditious SUV (avoid Budget Rental) with the children bedazzled in their Sunday finest to audition for rental dispensation.

Not surprisingly, Kincaid has chunked up during this house hunting initiative due to all the saccharine enticements to behave like a Stepford child. In retrospect, it would have been more prudent to simply “rent-a-kid” for the occasion, one-in particular- who does not growl at his parents.  Ironically, when Caid is not growling, his tiny tenor voice belts out the lyrics to “Jesus, The Sweetest Name I Know.” We attribute our signed rental contract to this freak toddler talent that probably clinched the “audition” for the home we invade on the 15^th of August.  (that and my mother’s breathtaking beauty, which so impressed our landlord)

The four bedroom, three bathroom colonial is located on a serene, Palm tree-lined peninsula within a gated community, which also features a bay-side playground, fitness center and pool.  Hardship living.  It is located in Hawaii Kai, within five minutes of an internationally renowned snorkeling beach, Hanauma Bay. Don’t be jealous: We are sitting ducks in the event of a Tsunami.